How Perfectionism Is Created In Relationships
Perfectionism is usually understood as a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and often impossibly high standards. This pursuit is associated to intense internal pressure and anxiety to meet those high standards, and depression and shame for feeling unable to measure up and therefore judged by others. It can impact how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to others.
Perfectionism can be an intrinsically relational process, as it places our own sense of self in tension with the expectations of a real or imagined other. Perfectionism has deep roots in aspects of our history and our inner life. It is forged in past relationships and rooted in deep-seated anxieties, and expresses conscious and unconscious relational dynamics from our history. Perfectionism is also intrinsically linked to and intensified by our present social structures, economic systems, and cultural malaise. In this article, however, we will focus on the intrapsychic and developmental aspects of this phenomenon.
Perfectionism And Early Relationships
From the outside, perfectionism might appear to be about behaviors and outcomes. However, it usually has more to do with how we relate to ourselves, with our sense of self, and what we learned to anticipate from others and the world. We start learning all these things during our childhood: our early relationships form the foundation for the internalized mental representations of ourselves and others, often in unconscious ways.
When we internalize caregivers whose expectations felt impossible, rigid, or unclear, we are impacted in two ways. On the one hand, we identify with those caregivers by making their high standards our own high standards, perhaps in hope that we can one day meet them and become worthy of their care. On the other hand, we also identify with our experiences of being unable to meet their demands, often leading to feelings of shame, inadequacy, and ineffectiveness. Nothing we do will feel enough.
As a result, we might be left with a split sense of self, in which the high standards come to represent an ideal of “goodness”, while our imperfections and limitations become “badness” that we judge harshly. This splitting can lead to extreme self-criticism when we perceive a deviation from the idealized standard, further driving the pursuit of so-called perfection.
Perfectionism And Attachment
Our early attachment history can also contribute to the development of perfectionism. An inconsistent or unpredictable environment that creates insecure attachment, might lead to perfectionistic behaviors to create a semblance of control and stability in their environment. This compensatory mechanism can lead to the relentless pursuit of perfection to manage the underlying anxiety stemming from early attachment disruptions.
Attachment figures during our childhood play an essential role in developing a cohesive and positive sense of self. For example, we need others to “mirror,” or reflect back our experiences, thoughts, and emotions, in order to help us make sense of them and of who we are. Through this process, we develop a sense of self and self-worth. In the absence of this mirroring, we may develop a fragmented sense of self and fragile self-esteem. Perfectionism can emerge as a strategy to secure external validation and affirmation. Without them, we may not know who we are or how to feel about ourselves.
As a result of these experiences, we might develop a deep-seated belief that we can only gain recognition and acceptance by consistently achieving at a high level. This can lead to an unending cycle of striving for perfection, taking us further away from our own needs, wishes, conflicts, and longings. This internal chasm can lead to chronic dissatisfaction in relationships, in which we will eventually feel disconnected, since genuine connection with and recognition from others becomes more challenging the further away we are from ourselves.
How Can Therapy Help?
Psychodynamic psychotherapy can help you address these issues by understanding the intricate interplay of interpersonal relationships, attachment experiences, defense mechanisms, deficits in our sense of self, and limited mutual recognition in our early relationships. Working through perfectionism in therapy involves much more than managing anxiety or modifying thoughts. Through the exploration of relational and attachment patterns, and the dynamics of mutual recognition, psychodynamic therapy can provide a comprehensive understanding of the roots and mechanisms of your particular experience of perfectionism.
As you engage in this therapeutic journey, you will not only gain insight into the origins of your own form of perfectionistic tendencies, but also cultivate acceptance, self-compassion, a healthier sense of self, and more authentic connections with others. Therapy holds the potential to guide people toward liberation from the confines of perfectionism, helping them embrace their imperfections and forge meaningful relationships built on genuine recognition and acceptance.
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If you have a question or would like to schedule an appointment with one of our Chicago therapists for depression therapy, anxiety therapy, or therapy for relationships, contact us today.
Photo credit: Steve Johnson