You don’t need to live under the shadow of shame
Perhaps you carry a sense that something about you is fundamentally flawed, even if you can’t quite name what it is. You may ruminate over things you’ve said or done—replaying conversations, revisiting moments you wish you could erase. It’s not just regret. It’s a sense of exposure, of feeling too much or not enough, or of being undeserving in some essential way. Guilt may arise from particular choices or actions, but shame seeps deeper. It attaches itself to who you are.
These experiences are often accompanied by a persistent internal voice, one that scrutinizes your motives, condemns your needs, or undermines your accomplishments. In some cases, this voice is relentless. You may find it difficult to accept compassion, trust others’ care, or feel entitled to want anything at all. Even when life appears stable on the surface, the undercurrent of shame can erode your capacity for intimacy, spontaneity, and joy.
Shame has roots—and they can be uncovered
Shame is not an isolated feeling. It is a psychological structure, shaped by unconscious conflicts and early relational experiences. Often, shame is the residue of attachment dynamics in which certain needs—such as for comfort, recognition, or autonomy—were met with rejection, neglect, or misattunement. When a child reaches out and is met not with responsiveness but with dismissal or ridicule, they do not stop needing. Instead, they begin to internalize the belief that their needs and wishes are dangerous, embarrassing, or burdensome, something that is intrinsically wrong or bad.
To preserve the bond with caregivers, the child unconsciously disavows the part of themselves that holds those needs. What begins as a survival strategy gradually becomes an internal division: one part of the self still carries the original longing, while another part polices that longing with criticism, contempt, or withdrawal. This is shame—not just a painful feeling, but a defensive posture, developed to protect against the vulnerability of wanting, the danger embedded in desire itself.
In adulthood, this inner dynamic is often compounded by identifications with the very figures who once caused the wound. The critical parent, the emotionally absent caregiver, the sibling who overshadowed you—all of these voices can find new life inside us. Their judgments become our own, woven into the fabric of our self-image. These unconscious identifications give rise to a perfectionism that cannot be satisfied, a guilt that exceeds the offense, or a chronic fear of being “found out.”
Interpersonally, shame often plays out in familiar patterns: over-accommodation, avoidance, hyper-vigilance, or emotional self-erasure. In the service of staying attached, we may suppress our needs, manage others’ feelings, or retreat from authentic expression. These compromises, while once protective, now perpetuate the very aloneness we’re trying to escape.
What happens in therapy for shame
At Fermata Psychotherapy, our approach is grounded in the understanding that shame is not a personal failure, but stems from a relational injury. It is something we learn—through silence, misattunement, or overt humiliation or abuse—and something that can be unlearned in the context of a safe, attuned therapeutic relationship.
Shame therapy does not begin by challenging beliefs with logic or affirmations. It begins by creating a space where the very feelings that have long been hidden can emerge without fear of condemnation. Often, this requires a gradual unfolding—slowing down the impulse to turn away, and instead becoming curious about the internal world: the unconscious conflicts, the buried wishes, the prohibitions against feeling or needing. Working through shame is a process of recognizing and reclaiming our needs and our desires.
Together with your therapist, you will begin to trace the origins of shame—not merely as an intellectual exercise, but as a way of recontacting the younger parts of you that still carry the imprint of unmet needs. Through this process, the therapeutic relationship becomes a space that allows the possibility of being known, of shedding light to the places where shame lives.
Over time, the rigid structure of shame begins to soften. The inner critic may not disappear, but it becomes less authoritative. You begin to develop a more differentiated sense of self—one that can tolerate contradiction, complexity, and imperfection. Therapy for shame also helps clarify the difference feelings of responsibility that do not belong to you but have been unconsciously carried in the service of protecting others or maintaining fragile relationships.
In this way, shame counseling is not about quick solutions. It is about deep transformation—a slow, often nonlinear return to the self you had to leave behind in order to stay connected.
You may wonder…
Isn’t shame just a normal part of being human?
Yes, in small doses, shame can be adaptive. It alerts us to social boundaries and reminds us of our impact on others. But when shame becomes internalized and chronic, when it organizes how you see yourself and constrains how you live, when it is felt as an ongoing sense of being too much or not enough, it becomes a source of profound suffering. Therapy for shame offers a path to loosen the grip of shame and shift your relationship to it and with yourself.
What if I feel worse when I talk about it?
This fear is understandable. Shame is inherently relational—it makes us that we are unworthy of connection. To speak it aloud can feel like a risk. But in therapy, this very act becomes transformative. A skilled shame therapist will move with you at a pace that respects your defenses while inviting contact with the disavowed parts of yourself. You are not asked to expose what you are not yet ready to share. The process is one of unfolding, not forcing.
Can therapy really change something this deep?
Yes, though not overnight. Shame is tenacious because it was learned in relationships that mattered deeply. But it can also be unlearned through new experiences and relationships that offer something different. In time, the emotional truths you’ve carried, often in silence, can be met, metabolized, and re-narrated. Therapy for shame is not just about insight; it’s about forming a new internal experience of being held, mirrored, and respected.
Why choose Fermata Psychotherapy for working through shame?
At Fermata, we offer more than surface-level interventions. Our work is rooted in emotional depth, curiosity, and a steady therapeutic presence. We understand that shame is not an isolated feeling to be eliminated, but a complex emotional structure that has developed over time, often in response to misattuned environments. Our therapists bring warmth and depth of understanding to help you navigate these layers with care.
We believe therapy is not a transaction but a relationship—one that can offer the corrective emotional experiences needed to reclaim a sense of wholeness. If you are seeking a shame therapist who can hold your complexity without judgment, we invite you to reach out. If you're ready to begin therapy for shame, we’re here to help. Together, we can explore what has felt unspeakable, and begin the process of becoming more fully yourself.
book an appointment for therapy for shame
Related posts in our blog
Banner photo credit: soheyl dehghani