Shifting From Blame To Understanding In Relationships

When people talk about their relationship struggles in therapy -whether it is a romantic relationship, a close friendship, or someone in their family- we sometimes hear something like this: “If they would just stop (or start) doing X, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

In relationships that have a hard time navigating difference and conflict, or those with unattended and long-standing dysfunctional patterns, it is tempting to locate the root of the issues on the other. One person becomes “too sensitive,” the other “too distant.” One is “controlling,” the other “irresponsible.” Over time, these descriptions stop feeling like passing frustrations and start to sound like immutable truths about who the other person is.

Many people seek therapy for relationship issues because they feel stuck in this pattern. The same arguments are repeated, the same wounds are reopened, and the narratives about the relationship feel more entrenched. Each partner feels misunderstood, unseen, and unfairly accused. And what lies beneath the surface is usually more vulnerable: fear of not mattering, of not being chosen or loved, of not being safe in the relationship.

Why Blame Feels So Compelling

Blame offers clarity by reducing complexity into a simple equation: You are the problem. In moments of hurt or fear, that clarity can feel stabilizing. If I can identify the flaw in you, then I can explain my pain. I don’t have to feel uncertain, confused, or helpless.

Blame is also protective, even if that function remains unconscious, in at least three ways. First, it can operate as a defense against more unsettling internal experiences, such as feeling disappointed, ashamed, humiliated, or afraid of losing connection. These feelings can stir up deeply-seated emotions rooted in earlier relationship, making present tension feel like a repetition or a continuation of old wounds.

Second, blame allows us to disown or disavow aspects of our own inner world -parts of ourselves- that we don’t like or want, so we attribute them to the other person. This is what psychoanalysts have termed “projection,” a common defense mechanism we all rely on sometimes. The partner becomes “selfish,” “critical,” or “withholding,” sometimes carrying qualities we fear in ourselves.

Third, blame can also protect us from reckoning with grief. To admit that a partner’s limitation touches something old in us (an unmet need, a longing for attunement, a fear of abandonment) can feel destabilizing. This is particularly true if we were hopeful to find in the other person something we were missing in ourselves. It is often easier to attack than to mourn; blame, in this way, can be an attempt to circumvent mourning.

While blame can protect us psychologically, it also tends to create and increase distance. The more one partner accuses, the more the other defends or counterattacks. Each person feels increasingly alone and misunderstood in the relationship.

Curiosity As A Bridge

The move from blame to understanding requires tolerating ambiguity. Instead of insisting that one partner is right and the other wrong, we begin to hold the possibility that both are reacting to something internally significant. This shift from either/or towards both/and thinking can take time, but it rests on the recognition that -for the most part- relationship dynamics are not one-sided, but emerge from the contributions of both parties.

For example, one partner may pursue connection intensely during conflict, seeking reassurance and closeness. The other may withdraw, needing space to regulate overwhelming feelings. On the surface, this can look like one person being “needy” and the other “cold.” Beneath the surface, both may be struggling with anxiety about connection.

In therapy for relationship issues, we often slow these moments down to foster a renewed sense of curiosity towards the other person and, more importantly, towards ourselves. Curiosity about the other person involves developing a capacity for mentalization, which means recognizing that their behaviors are likely driven by deep layers of thoughts, feelings, and mental states. This is not an attempt to read the other person’s mind or to guess how they are feeling, which we will never know just by thinking about it. However, this process can be useful to loosen the narratives we hold about who they are, to appreciate their complexity, and create space for dialogue.

The central aspect of working through relationship issues in therapy involves developing curiosity about ourselves and our own reactions. This often entails exploring and understanding the ways in which our past is alive in our present relationships. In romantic partnerships, close friendships, and family ties, we do not relate only to the other person as they are. We relate to them through the lens of our internal world, an unconscious array of feelings about closeness, distance, vulnerability, trust, and many elements central to relational experience.

For example, if during our childhood closeness was inconsistent or conditional, we may experience normal separations in adult relationships as profound rejection. If emotional expression was met with criticism, we may perceive disagreement as humiliation. The present interaction activates past relational templates. Surface level disagreements (chores, finances, intimacy, communication, etc) might cover deeper sources of hurt or anxiety, such as feeling unappreciated, uncared for, unimportant, unwanted, or invisible.

During therapy for relationship issues, you might explore what you felt when your partner turned away or what you imagine that meant. These questions help differentiate present reality from unconscious expectation based on past experiences. Depending on our personal history, our minds might quickly collapse the two: a delayed text message can become proof of abandonment, or a request for space can feel like evidence of unlovability. When these meanings remain unexamined, blame becomes the default response.

Curiosity reintroduces mental space, becoming the foundation of a bridge between blaming and understanding. It invites reflection rather than reaction. It acknowledges that our interpretations are shaped by past experiences, wishes, and fears. This shift is not purely intellectual, but requires emotional risk in two ways. First, as we reconnect with painful or frightening experiences from the past, it might feel like we are experiencing those feelings (and the ways we protect ourselves from them) all over again. Second, sharing that renewed understanding of ourselves with another person -whether it’s a therapist, a spouse, or a friend- involves revealing vulnerability, perhaps making us feel exposed and naked as we share our sadness, our grief, and our fear.

Mutual Understanding Is A Two-Way Street

Sometimes people worry that moving away from blame will lead to self-blame. This might be particularly true for people who tend to organize their experience in terms of blame, living in a world in which someone must be at fault. If it’s not the other, then it has to be me. This way of thinking can perpetuate and solidify patterns that make understanding more difficult.

Alternatively, people worry that if they examine their own contributions to a conflict, they will invalidate their pain or accept mistreatment. Understanding does not mean excusing hurtful behavior or abandoning accountability. It means taking the experience and reality of both partners seriously, becoming curious about the emotional meaning of the conflict for both people.

What is different is our understanding of the problem: rather than framing one partner as defective, we begin to see how two subjectivities collide, each shaped by personal history, attachment patterns, and unconscious expectations. In other words, it can help both partners recognize the shared humanity in themselves and the other.

Letting go of blame is not easy, since blame can serve, as mentioned before, protective functions for our psyche. We may need to connect with difficult feelings and experiences, recognize parts of ourselves we don’t like, or find a way to mourn. Part of this journey involves developing the capacity to hold love and frustration toward the same person at the same time. When blame dominates, we split: the other is all bad, we are all good (or the reverse). While blames seek certainty, understanding restores complexity.

How Therapy for Relationship Issues Helps

Therapy for relationship issues, whether working with couples or individuals, provides a space where people can begin to recognize how their reactions in romantic relationships echo earlier relational experiences. By bringing these unconscious links into awareness, therapy loosens their grip.

Importantly, therapy also cultivates the capacity to mentalize, to reflect on our own mind and the mind of the other, and the underlying processes behind observable behaviors. When we can consider or recognize that behavior arises from our own internal struggles rather than malicious intent, blame will often soften and subside.

Moving towards understanding does not eliminate conflict. Differences remain and disappointments still occur. But as blame stops becoming the default, there is more room for dialogue, less urgency to assign fault, and a growing possibility for repair. This shift is less about winning an argument and more about protecting connection with humility, curiosity, and vulnerability.

If you find yourself caught in these repetitive cycles in some of your relationships, please don’t hesitate to reach out.